Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. - SB

In my journal, this was dated 09.24.09. During Ondoy.

The unending assault of rain on the streets has penetrated the roof of the attic, and has soaked my idle mind. Here I am, stoked into a whirling eddy of anxiety by the syncopated beats of raindrops. It does not create a comforting mix, instead it plays out to aggravate what I imagine will be another long night.

I can still picture myself a year ago. I imagined myself to be on a grand adventure. There it was the timid beginning, the wide-eyed cluelessness and the cheery optimism. Unbeknownst to me, that all that will serve as the greatest foil for my future disappointment. Six months ago I felt myself to be at a crossroads, immovable but at the same time verklempt. Present day, my social life is thriving, without much effort. Friends remain dear to me and I'd like to think I, to them. I only have a few yet they are good and true, reliable and present. Family is good. Parents are ok. Sisters are relatively great. Parents’ marriage - crap as usual. Work is fine.

I am niggling with the feeling that my current life is but a protracted, beta version of some phenomenal unknown life. I feel as if I am beneath the underbelly of a whale. There is a ceiling, fleshy and gray, preventing me from breathing for myself, preventing me from seeing the blue sky, from emerging from the water, unable to break the surface. I feel smothered by something entirely beyond my control and it is so massive I am unaware of it as I have lived under its protective shadow for some time.

This isn’t just an expression of my discomfort at some insidious fear, or my misdirection and my self-indulgent counterproductive lethargy. I am further disillusioned at what seems to be the pacific or docile surrender to the occupational hegemony spurred by material need and desire for financial independence.

Ironically, I choose to enslave myself to these blue stripes, to be financially free. The irony being the use of the freedom: choosing enslavement (corporate and otherwise) in exchange for freedom.

Fully aware that I am making this choice everyday but unsure as to what end? Is it really just for that bi-monthly rush of a swollen bank account?

After all, money can fuel/ finance my hobbies / passions – which will fill the passionless void that is my occupation.

Or is it the perennial fear of doing? It was the same thing that kept me off the school paper, kept me from competing in debate, kept me from auditions and try outs and to committing serious time to any organization. Am I really that afraid? Or is that I am just really that lazy? I’ve laboured under the assumption that my self-esteem is secure enough that fear isn’t an issue, maybe that assumption is four parts baloney and one part truth.

My answer to my own questions – is my favourite quote from the movie Garden State: “I’m ok with being unimpressive – I sleep better.”

Other thoughts: tautology alert. ***

It is fine to make sacrifices however I ask:
Must the reward fully offset the item it is sacrificed for?
Must the reward justify the sacrifice?
Must the value / gravity of the sacrifice equal the value of the reward?
Or does the very nature of sacrifice mean that any reciprocation is foregone?
Is it better to use then, the word trade off? The term “sacrifice” illicit messianic images and religious definitions that seem to further complicate an already complex train of rationalization.
Must sacrifice be unconditional for it to be valid?
Does bitterness (i.e. removal of the willingness to sacrifice) invalidate the sacrifice?
I think my PH104 notebook can help me answer these questions. Too bad I’m unwilling to risk an asthma attack to get clarity. (See what I mean by lazy).

While I am not a Randy David fan, I cannot disagree with his observation.

“The reality is that while it is a great advantage for a nation to have an incorruptible president, it is not enough.”

The recent political climate and the tone of all political talk these days are alarming and disappointingly characteristic of Philippine politics.

The presumption that the country’s ills can be reduced to a dichotomy of good and evil is a classic example of the constant misrepresentation of our problems.

The very attempt to apply such simplistic thinking is incredibly cavalier and inane. To hear levelheaded and intelligent people repeat this mantra is baffling and leads one to imagine that these are said only to manipulate people into thinking a certain way. I find this manipulation and this insistence on this perception as hypocritical given that they are uttered by the very people clamoring for so-called “change”.

I don’t want symbols and myths. Are we not capable of moving beyond the fundamentals? That is the problem; that we know it is about good and evil, but that we elevate that image to supersede above everything else?

I want change, god damn it, but I don’t just want moral change. I want institutional change. I want good governance, zero tolerance for corruption on top of sound policies and unilateral implementation of the rule of law. Sorry, it’s just not enough.

To put it bluntly: I resent the widespread jumping on the bandwagon, voting on sentiment and feeling rather than objective judgement of quantifiable notions like policy and agendas.

What then is the difference between electing a popular yet incompetent movie star and electing a well-perceived but untested, neigh unqualified favored son?

Why is it so difficult for you to see that doing this is just another variation of the crude electoral choices we routinely perpetuate?

I am beginning to sound like broken record when I ask for plans. I want specifics and I want agendas. I don’t want broad, dramatic and emphatic exhortations. If I wanted drama, I’d watch a telenovela. I’m not going to be bullied into voting for a candidate who is a group’s definition of what is right and what is good. Have we not learned that there is no such thing as a panacea when it comes to politics?

What good can your moral fiber do when you don’t know how to balance a budget? Moral fiber and decisiveness is not mutually exclusive. You stain the concept of discernment when you use it to hide behind your indecision.  

I refuse to vote based on demographics and I refuse to vote on sentiment.

I actually still believe the office and this country deserves that I put more effort and more deliberation in my choice of its leader.

---

When I finally hear Senator Aquino and his supporters talk policy and not morality, action and not sacrifice. When I hear him talk about what he’ll do and not what GMA has done I might consider not changing the channel.

It's no wonder supported Hilary Clinton over Barack Obama. I’m not ashamed of it, that is just how I think.

 

 

 you are in big trouble, pot. 
de battre mon coeur s'est arreté. 

Sigh, oh my. 
I think I might be growing up. 
Same old shit.
Pot fucking up. 

-
Haay, thinking I need things I never thought I'd need / want. 
Hates cool kids for the effective brainwashing techniques. 
- 
Too bad things are not something you can save up for. 
Ay mija. Must pray on it. 
Never thought i'd be praying for something so selfish
Goodluck with that. 
Must go back to real Pot.
July is a bitch.

Against the restrictions of IBM's IT and the careful and watchful eye of our boss, i gave my officemates back facebook. 
Thank you, Google Chrome, https://

I went to Tagaytay with friends after work the other day.
Seven of us squeezed into my tiny car.
We left at 6, arrived in Tagaytay at 7.30pm.
Had the dinner we all craved.
BULALO. Crispy pata, laing, tahong and garlic rice.
Moved to Starbucks for coffee and hot chocolate.
left for Manila at 10.45.
Arrived back at Eastwood before 12pm.

Drove all the to Tagaytay and back.

Funtimes.
Kulang nalang beer. 
And ....

Classic.





 

 I've known for a while that I've been taking pictures of my shoes when I'm travelling. It started because I started wondering how countries that particular pair of shoes has been to. I wish I was more conscious that I was doing this, so that I could have taken more pictures everywhere. There are some places that I missed out. Pity, they were pretty.

I wish I started doing this with a polaroid (haha poser) when I was younger. If I ever get knocked up, I will do this for my kids. I hope they will appreciate it. 

On March 28, 2009 the Inserto family, in our new house, observed Earth Hour.
In seeming defiance of all their neighbors who clung, in a pre-Obama world, to their flourescent lights

In the darkness sat the the enlightened.

I was struck as to the strength of my parents' desire to observe this one hour of global solidarity, which I maintain is strictly symbolic. Because in the time of Angelina Jolie, Barack Obama and Prince Rania, it is always nice, even très chic, to say matter-of-factly with no qualms, "Oh yeah, we observed Earth hour". The words having been said in such plain terms, the delivery belying the fact that doing so meant something, not only for the environment but also to that person's soul and self-worth. Observing this one hour, as advertised everywhere, has one feeling like an englightened (no pun intended) human being. My parents are normally dismissive of such desire but I attribute this newfound support to their greater awareness given that they spend more time now watching television of all different contents. Maybe moving into our new house has inspired them to make a few changes.

What we did during earth hour? Inserto kids play games.

As resident perpetrator of such games, I decided we would play a classic Battle of the Brains. Ate Crix had the genuis idea to pair up Papa and Mommy to go against Pia and Abi. Ate Crix was the scorer while I was quizmaster.

We drank coke + gin with our parents and ate cacahuètes aka peanuts.

Examples of questions:
Category: Philippine Geography
Name three places in the Philippines wherein the name is comprised of one phrase repeated twice:
Mom : Tawi-Tawi, Carcar, something i can't recall

Category: Science
Explain E=MC2
Abi: energy is equal mass times speed of light squared

Category: Entertainment
Name this red-haired actress from Smyrna, Georgia.
Pia: Julia Roberts!!
For 2 bonus points: name the movie she starred in ----
Pia: STEEEEL MAGNOLIASSSSS

Category: General Knowledge
Enumerate four japanese made cars:
Papa: Toyota, Mitsubishi, Honda, Lexus!!!!
Abi: Hyuanda, Kia, 
Pia: Abi thats fucking Korean!
Mom: Pia you said fuck!
Pia: Its Abi's fault!

Category: Philippine Entertainment
Name Francis Magalona's mother
Mom: Pancho Magalona, ay tatay pala yun
Abi: Maxillena!
Pia: I know this.....
Papa: TIIITAAAAAAA DURAAAAAN.
Pia: daaammit!

Category: Bible
The prophet Jonah was swallowed by a fish / whale on his way to this place:
Mom: Tsh, easy round, Nineveh.
Abi: Haha, kala ko  Jonas!

Other highlights: Mom singing/ marching the Bagong Lipunan song.
Cheering competition: Parents cheered about Abi's ateneo appeal and commuting to La Salle. Papa yelled, mom danced.
Kids cheered in unison calling the parents old and fat.

Disclaimer: Don't actually hate Twilight. I just love to tease Ate's new found geekiness.
She has accepted the challenge.

One fine day, two room mates started a fight.

BSG = Battlestar Galactica
Twilight = garbage


Pot: bsg>twilight
Crix: TWILIGHT > and not equal to bsg
Pot: twilight can kiss my ass
Pot: my big fat ass
Crix: they wouldn't want...
Crix: they'd think its kadire
Pot: cylons > pretty boy vampires
Pot: horny cylons > horny vampires
Crix: cylons are feeling humans!
Pot: cylon human conflict love > vampire human conflict love
Crix: some of them dont even know they're cylons = BOBO
Pot: vampires cant tan = losers
Pot: vampires cant tan = losers
Pot: cylon human conflict love > vampire human conflict love
Crix: vampires have a MOVIE coming out
Crix: cylons are STUCK on TV
Pot: vampire love is just bandwagon love because harry potter is done
Pot: its not real
Crix: BSG + ZENA = disaster
Pot: nwahahahahahahhaa
Pot: touché!
Crix: vampires and wizards are friends
Pot: vampires and wizards are not friends
Crix: natalo na yung cylons mo... ibabanat mo HP
Crix: LOSER......
Pot: twilight vampires are sucky pariahs compared to anne rice vampires
Pot: fine..
Crix: stick to your players...
Pot: cylons can make babies
Crix: ooooooh.... edward and bella has RENESMEE
Crix: half vampire / half human
Pot: hera = half cyclon / half human ALL HOT
Pot: CYLONS CANT DIE
Pot: they just get downloaded in newer hotter bodies
Crix: VAMPIRES are mythical creatures... and may be existing among us... CYLONS are totally fiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pot: THATS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK
Crix: wahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha...
Crix: go back to your battlestar!
Pot: EDWARD CULLEN NEEDS TO TAKE A BATH
Pot: AND BELLA NEEDS TO LOSE 2 INCHES FROM HER CHIN
Pot: sharon valerii would turn edwards balls into dust
Crix: edwards balls will beat uncle cooper's balls
Crix: and ur cds...
Pot: ONLY IN SMELL!
Crix: they will DISAPPEAR mysteriosly, tonight
Pot: NOT IF I GET HOME FIRST
Crix: ohhhhhhhh... she got scared!
Pot: YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CELLPHONE
Crix: i will put it i my panty
Pot: eww.. kasi andun si edward sa phone mo?
Pot: EDWARD ESGUERRA!!!!
Pot: kapatid ni BAM BAM
Pot: YAKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Crix: bwahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah
Crix: bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahah
Pot: pasalamat ka BSG lang nilaban ko sa TWILIGHT mo
Pot: kung kasali lang si yoda dito. burado na yan esguerra na yan